by John Ward
BBC UNMASKS ROYALS AS BREXIT TRAITORS REPORTING DIRECT TO BRUSSELS
In an obvious sign that Britain’s Cuckoo Hanoverian royal family is in league with its real Hochdeutsch masters in Berlin, an Underground coven in the BBC revealed this weekend that Mrs Queen (aka Brenda Windsor, née Battenberg) is plotting with the EU’s Chief Brexit negotiator Michel Barmier to suggest that Great Britain has been desecrated by migrant commoners joining her familias horribilis.
Although only seven TV viewers watched the royal wedding, The Slog has seen the full footage of the couple rogering like a pair of Viagra-crazed shithouse doors right after that on-camera kiss. In fact, we watched it 139 times to be satisfy ourselves. That it wasn’t a fake.
Top Slog mole Joe Blob later rang Monsieur Barmier, who broke down under questioning and admitted that his personal army Eurogrope had conspired with Brenda and Spiros to convince voters that the UK needs rescuing from its sink of iniquity.
This morning, royal consort Spiros Mountbatten gave the game away by telling The Socialist Worker in an inclusive interview, “I’m fed up of all these Leaver oiks coming here and frightening the horses. Only our European neighbours can rescue us from these ghastly lower orders and the voters should demm well do as they’re told and get us back into the Club just as soon as that nice Herr Juncker and the May woman can fix it bleddy democracy it just gets in the way I mean for heaven’s sake.”
IDAHO READY TO SECEDE & NUKE HILLARY CLINTON UNLESS MEDIA GIVE TRUMP EVEN BREAK
In a mind-concentrating press release this morning, the Idaho State legislature voted by 56-2 in special session to secede from the Union and take out Hillary Clinton with a nuclear-tipped Scud missile unless The New York Times and Washington Post stop putting out dumbassed Trump stories about pussy grabbing and Putin licking.
“We jess about all plumb tuckered out with this shit,” said State Governor Esper Drill, “we’s mad as Hell an’ aint gonna take no more of it. We holdin’ all the cards here, so you City slickers just bedder mind yo manners else we gonna wup Hillary’s rear an’ no mistake”.
Sources close to Drill confirmed to The Slog early evening CET that Idaho has the ability to bring the US to its knees, on account of its stranglehold on the production of milk, trout, barley, potatoes, wrinkle-seed peas and peppermint oil:
“Ahm here der tell yooo,” commented Agricultural senior VP Homer Z. Fischspud III, “that the Yoo Ess of Ayee is gon’ be a trout, peas and potato-free zone ever’ Sunday until this country of ours starts to shape up an’ fly right an’ gittin’ berhind the Prezdent”.
However, thanks to well-placed moles in Vladikonorsk we are able to reveal that Governor Drill is a long-standing GRU sleeper agent with a Soviet Hero’s Degree in double-agent poisoning strategies and election interfering designed specifically to unstuff ballots tampered with by Democrats.
OLDEST AUSSIE MARRIED COUPLE LED VEGEMITE EXPORT RING THAT NEARLY BROUGHT AUSTRALIA TO ITS KNEES IN 1942
Yes, they look harmless enough. And indeed, Bruce and Olga Goolawonga (104 and 101 respectively) are today officially Australia’s oldest married couple. But what unsuspecting readers of The Australian don’t know is that, for fifteen years from 1930 to 1945, these two vicious agents of the Japanese Empire ran a ruthless commodity Trust whose sole aim was to deprive Aussie soldiers of Vegemite, and thus weaken the country’s resolve to fight the Yellow Peril.
Secret undercover intelligence agent Dan Daintree (whose name has not been withheld because I really couldn’t give a fuck if he lives or dies) told me, “For a few weeks there in Ausgust ’42 it was touch and go as this demonic couple deliberately exported Vegemite to the Poms who didn’t bloody like the stuff anyway”.
The plot was only uncovered when a employee of the Nazi Rothschild Elders of Bilderberger-am-Zion was captured and beaten to a pulp by the young Barrie Humphries after a particularly heavy night on the amber nectar.
So you see, we have a lot more to thank Dame Edna for than many of us realise.