by Stucky, TBP
I have spent over 100 hours of research and thought on this Labor of Love. It is a short list, for sure, due to time constraints and needing to go to the bathroom. So, please, no criticisms — but, feel free to add your own candidates to this list, which will surely go viral. Let’s get started …
10) The Hammurabi Code
Hammurabi was a really cool dude who ruled a prosperous and thriving Babylonia around 1750BC. His approximate 300 laws are the most well-preserved and comprehensive lists of ancient laws in existence today. Many of his laws were copied directly into the Old Testament! According to one fragment Hammurabi stated his goal was — “… to make justice visible in the land, to destroy the wicked person and the evil-doer, that the strong might not injure the weak.” In other words, he was a Republican. He also (really) came up with the “eye for an eye, and tooth for a tooth” law. If he were alive today creatures knows as Pelosi and Feinstein would be blind and toothless (oh, wait ….).
9) Ramses II, aka, Ramses The Great
Reigned for 67 years during the 12th century BC. Perhaps the greatest of Pharaohs as Egypt reached an overwhelming state of prosperity during his reign. Egypt today is littered with his monuments. He is included here for one reason. According to this source; — “He was the first king in history to sign a peace treaty with his enemies, the Hittites, ending long years of wars and hostility. The treaty can still be considered a conclusive model, even when applying today’s standards.” Actual part of the treaty in above pic. Most people don’t know who the Hittites (pronounced “Hi Titties!”) were. They were an annoying tribe who lived in what today is Turkey. Yeah, even back then the Turks were assholes.
8) Save The Earth Treaties
World leaders have signed about 500 internationally recognized agreements in the past 50 years! These include: 61 atmosphere-related; 155 biodiversity-related; 179 related to chemicals, hazardous substances and waste; 46 land conventions; and 196 conventions that are broadly related to issues dealing with water. The promises range from eliminating substances in the air to protect the ozone layer, to removing lead in fossil fuels, sharing genetic resources, protecting the Antarctic ice, reducing over-fishing, curbing water pollution and saving the almost extinct tiny Australian masturbating frog. Now …. I’m not some stinking tree-hugging / whale-saving Earf-firster. That’s my libtard seester. However, the planet is not dead yet … so, I thought all these treaties deserve a mention.
7) Louisiana Purchase (1803)
What did that deal accomplish? Well, it DOUBLED the size of the Unites States …. for about 3 cents an acre. Somewhere in France my counterpart, Monsieur StuchenMerde, is penning an article “Why are we French always such dumbfuks?”
6) Indian Treaties — (this doesn’t belong here, but it’s my article so, go suck a peace pipe)
We had a deal with Mexico, but we didn’t like it, so we broke it. We had a deal with Canada, but we didn’t like it, so we broke it. We had a deal with Iran, but we didn’t like it, so we broke it. And all that since Trump has been in office. And don’t give me any bullshit about those being bad treaties! Good vs bad isn’t the point. The point is that America breaks treaties whenever it suits us to do so. Not sure why any country would trust us to keep our word, on anything. (Yes, I know other countries also break treaties. But … but … but I thought the USA!USA!USA! was different, the Shining City on the hill??). Concerning the above picture, some say there were as few as only 300 treaties with Native Tribes. Regardless of the number of treaties, pretty much every web site I have ever checked (and I’ve done so before today) states that the USA has broken EVERY such treaty. This is shameful. On the bright side, we have never broken any treaties or promises to Israel. Clap. Clap. Clap.
5) The Treaty of Paris in 1783
Q: What ended the Revolutionary War?
A: Look at the above picture, dumbass! It was the surrender of Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781.
Wrong!! It was the Treaty of Paris in 1783 (there were many other “Treaty of Paris” treaties). It is the oldest treaty signed by the United States still in effect today, and officially ended the American Revolution, and established the United States as a nation ….. which truly makes it one of the most consequential deals in world history …. but, of course, nowhere near as great as Number One (below).
BTW, the French and Spanish really wanted to screw America. Neither wanted the USA to make a separate peace with England.
The French wanted America to be a small and weak state between the Atlantic and Appalachians, with the British keeping the lands north of the Ohio River and the Spanish controlling a buffer state to the south. Instead, the British decided that a strong and economically successful America was in their interests and against French interests and were convinced to give the new state all the land up to the Mississippi river as well as fishing rights in Canada. Take that ya Frogs!!! This enabled the United States to later expand westward and become a major continental power. Years later the Frenchies, still pissed off, would give us a Statue Of Liberty — in hopes of destroying America via wacko, homeless, wretched-refuse immigrants.
Nice simple concise overview of the 1783 treaty here.
4) Treaty of Tordesillas (1494)
Have you ever wondered why everything south of the Rio Grande is Spanish? Well, everything except Brazil and Uruguay, which is Portuguese. Have you wondered why Portugal has so many colonies in Africa, and Spain virtually none?
It all has to do with the Treaty of Tordesillas (the town where it was signed) in 1494. So, the robber baron / terrorist known as Christopher Columbus returns from his travels and lets the Pope know “There’s tons of GOLD, and SILVER, and BERYLLIUM there and only short naked people with bows and arrows are guarding it all!!” The Pope gets himself a Holy Erection and and immediately draws an arbitrary meridian. Spain gets everything to the West, and Portugal everything to the East.
Without the treaty, Spain and Portugal would have spent resources fighting each other. Instead, for the next 100 years (until the other European powers got on the gravy train) they had a grand old time raping, pillaging, and destroying civilizations. That treaty changed the landscape of the Western Hemisphere forever.
3) God Gives Charlton Heston the Ten Commandments
It’s only one of God’s greatest gifts to mankind. God’s Post-It Notes on stone to let us know
2) Fred Trump Gets To Know (in a Biblical way) Mary Anne Macleod Trump.
On September 14, 1945 Fred Trump negotiated a deal with Mary Anne to a fine evening of boinking (similar to Borking). Nine months later with the birth of Donald on June 14, 1946, the Biblical prophecy of Isaiah 9:6 was fulfilled! — “For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful.” If that’s not Donal Trump (especially the “Wonderful” part) then I don’t know what is. Furthermore, on January 20, 2017 the Lord God himself crowned Trump as our Savior by calling him — “the Trump of God”, which you can find somewhere in the book of Thessalonians.
1) AND THE YUGEST DEAL IN THE HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION???
“… THE SINGLE GREATEST AGREEMENT EVER (!!!!) SIGNED.” —- said Donald Trump on the USMCA (US-Mexico-Canada Agreement)
Trump, once again, leaves me speechless.