by John Ward
In a Slog coup today, top forecaster and medical guru Manflu Halfcock faces down his 46 million critics in the battle to contain the biggest threat to Britain since Harriet Harman
I’m delighted that Mister Slog has given me this opportunity to point out just how reckless, unpatriotic, murderous and wrong wrong wrong all these Covid denying, tree-hugging, mask-free and Quaker looney anti-vaccination riff-raff all are about this, the biggest threat to Britain since Julius Caesar.
Some of our best-funded brains in academia have made it brutally clear what we’re in for, and it’s clearly not going to be a picnic, and anyway we banned such foolhardy litter-spreading nonsense over a week ago.
Indeed, so successful have Neil Ferguson’s predictions been about swine leaps and cattle carnage over the years, we must all sit up and take notice of this, his latest forecast about how Covid19 will affect Climate Change in the immediate future.
“While self-isolating because I haven’t any friends left, I decided to feed Met Office data to a mad cow last weekend, and the printout I got was startling in the extreme,” Professor Ferguson told me last night, “Once the virus mutates as it gets colder even though it’s not seasonal or anything, we can expect Cornwall to sink unless everyone evacuates it immediately, crazed jellyfish to come ashore in panic, and rats to start biting babies unless I and only I am allowed to go in armed with my penny whistle and lead the toddlers to lockdown safety by walking on water in the general direction of the Isle of Man”.
So there you are, numpties and snowflakes – that’s why Covid19 is the biggest threat to Britain since William the Conqueror.
Now I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but the latest quackery dreamed up by doubting Albert Hall levitators is to say that there’s nothing to fear because the only thing increasing at the moment is cases.
Let me try and outline for you just how delusional these escaped mental patients are.
This (left) is what happened yesterday as a major new spike in cases occurred at Lime Street Station in Liverpool. We here in the Cobblers Committee Shelter under Downing Street have been doing our sums, and the outlook is absolutely terrifying. Can you imagine the devastating effect on the global climate of a planet covered in cases?
Every left-luggage office in Britain will be overhelmed, and our entire rail transport infrastructure will grind to a halt.
This is what 30,000 cases look like:
It doesn’t bear thinking about, and so it’d be much better if you don’t think about it at all, because that’s the sort of herd immunity to facts that we all need given the context of this, the greatest threat to Britain since George Formby.
I mean, remember: why do you think it’s called Covid nineteen? And the answer, as we know only too well, is that it’s nineteen times more infectious than than Tommy Cooper’s laugh, and he’s dead. So let that be a lesson to you.
Now on the subject of death, there’s also been some silly alarmism about multiple deaths, so I’m happy here and now with reservations to confirm that Coronavirus will only kill you once. Once you’re dead, the ordeal is over: it is medically impossible for any disease to kill you twice. As far as we know.
And finally, the vexed question of masks, and foolish ideas about them being utterly pointless. First of all, some do’s and don’ts:
This woman has got it wrong. Even though most experts insist that the Covid19 droplet is roughly two inches by one inch in size, the hole she has cut for reasons of pure vanity will be easy for the virus to get through
No, wrong again – this is a brassière, and only suitable for patients with two very large noses.
Silly, but correct. Unfortunately, the chap shown here moved just as we were taking the shot, as so often happens in the crappy photo-booths we are forced to use these days due to the Covid cuts introduced by that Ravi Shankar bloke or whatever his name is.
Remember, you don’t have to be a miserable beggar just because I’m facing the biggest threat to my Commons seat since I was criticised for hiring a private jet to fly back from a climate conference and accepting money from a key backer of climate change denial organisation Global Warming Policy Foundation, and then apologised after retweeting a poem suggesting that the Labour Party was full of Peers, which was as I said at the time a total accident on account of I meant to say “full of queers”.
So be happy, smile behind your mask, buy that nice policeman a drink next time he’s in your local waving a cosh about for your own good, and remember: even if, in order to be free of this deadly global killer, you have to be locked in at home and watch your business go bankrupt, you will have saved millions of healthy people from having to endure two days in bed.
Think not of yourself, but instead help us to help you give us the power we need to help ourselves.