SATIRE: FBI Agents Discuss the Clinton Matter Privately

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After work on Friday, as they usually do before a long weekend, several FBI agents repair to a local Washington D.C. watering hole.  They are seated in the back room of the saloon to avoid the prying ears of the hipster crowd upfront at the bar.

After a few rounds of drinks and some light banter, they turn their attention to the latest developments in the Hillary Clinton email probe.

FBI Agent # 1:  It seems every time we get together here, we’re still banging our heads against the wall.  We have collected enough evidence to convict Mother Theresa, but the powers that be tell us we need to build more of a case.  They can’t be serious.  They must take us for blithering idiots, who can’t find our ass with both hands and a flashlight.  It’s not only insulting, it’s un-American.

FBI Agent # 2:  Sure it is.  I’ve been an FBI agent since the Nixon Administration.  I know what a proper investigation looks like and this one is anything but proper.  I remember when the Nixon White House and Nixon’s Attorney General, John Mitchell, tried to stonewall us and threaten us, but we stood firm.  We had Nixon by the balls and he knew enough to resign or be forced out of office.  What he did was a bungled Keystone Cops caper compared to what Clinton pulled off.

FBI Agent # 3: If the public only knew a fraction of what we found out during this investigation, they would be blown away.  It would be pitchfork time in the streets.  The public and media are focused on the Clinton’s unsecured private email server and how every bit of her email correspondence was exposed to hackers over the internet.  But it’s the charity fraud that took place at the Clinton Foundation that would really make their heads spin, if the truth be known.  I still can’t believe the mega-bucks they hauled in, using the Clinton Foundation as a front.  Only a small fraction of the money donated to the Foundation ever made its way to those in need.  The rest lined the pockets of the Clintons and their cronies at the Foundation.

FBI Agent # 1: That’s the part that really fries my nuts — some clever, well-connected politicians cloaking themselves in the mantle of a charitable enterprise as a cover for stealing donations.  It’s racketeering as its very worse and should be prosecuted as such.  These douche bags are fouling our air mass with their continued respiration.

FBI Agent # 2: Just about everyone on the FBI Clinton investigation team is pissed off that we are being stiff-armed by career prosecutors and party hacks at the Justice Department.  They don’t even attempt to hide their disdain for us when we present the damning evidence we have gathered.  For chrissake, I heard one of the prosecutors say under his breath that we are politically tone deaf — that we don’t get it.

FBI Agent # 3:  We get it perfectly.  It couldn’t be clearer.  If it were a mule, it would kick our brains out.  They want us to back off and stand down.  Apparently, we don’t seem to understand the implications of indicting Clinton.  What part of “presumptive Democratic Party nominee for President of the U.S.” don’t we understand?   It’s beyond having a political tin ear, it’s unconscionable.  It ain’t gonna happen.

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FBI Agent # 1:  Not if they have their way.  We can’t force them to convene a grand jury.  Ultimately, the Attorney General, a Democratic Party stalwart, makes the decision.  And it seems her decision was made a long time ago.

FBI Agent # 2:  It’s the same dismissive attitude that Hillary Clinton shows when she is asked about the ongoing FBI investigation into her emails.  She laughs it off as being a tempest in a teapot that will eventually show she did nothing inappropriate.  I can see her arrogant face now as she cackles off any insinuation of impropriety on her part.  It’s like she knows the fix is in.

FBI Agent # 3:  And that sneering attitude really frosts my balls when everybody knows exactly what she did.  She’s guilty as sin and should have been hooked up months ago.  Instead, we have about 150 agents following all kinds of leads and tying them all together into one big indictment on multiple criminal counts.  In fact, we had sufficient ironclad evidence months ago to have put the matter before a grand jury.  The result would be foregone conclusion.  The only remaining decision would be whether to cuff her in public or have her surrender voluntarily to the authorities.

FBI Agent # 1: The White House and the Justice Department are playing for time and it’s obvious.  The general election is only six months away. They just want to keep the FBI at bay for the duration.  When Hillary is elected, she can take care of the rest.  And that includes any vocal FBI agents or leaders who had the temerity to demand she be indicted.

FBI Agent # 2: Not only is Hillary Clinton the presumptive presidential nominee of the Democratic Party, she’s the presumptive president.  Donald Trump has managed to upset establishment Republicans so much that some of them are considering supporting Clinton or a conservative third-party candidate.  Either way, the result would be the same — Hillary Clinton would become Madame President and an un-indicted felon at the same time.

FBI Agent # 3:  Wake me up when this is over.  You can’t make this shit up.

FBI Agent # 1:  We were told to back down in the Lois Lerner IRS case against our will.  So, they assume we are potty trained and will do the same in the Clinton case, especially when there is so much more at stake.

FBI Agent # 2:  FBI Director Comey rolled over on that one and he had a hard time getting the troops to back off.  Now, he’s missing in action.  He’s totally inscrutable and non-committal in the Clinton case.  It’s like he doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass.  And the natives are getting restless with his dithering.  He needs to shit or get off the pot.

FBI Agent # 3: If he does what he should have done months ago, he will make a public referral of criminal charges against Clinton in the face of Attorney General Lynch’s opposition.  If he’s more concerned about keeping his job in a Clinton Administration, he will continue doing exactly what he has been doing – temporizing until the cows come home in the form of a Clinton presidency.


FBI Agent # 1:  The problem with the latter approach is that other people are also looking in the Clinton matter and could blow this thing sky high at any time.  First of all, Clinton exposed all of her governmental email correspondence to hackers, including our enemies overseas.  If they have everything we have and decide to post it online, it’s all over and the Fat Lady sings.  They could very well be sitting on the damning evidence until she is elected president because information like that only gets more valuable over time.  They can shake her down by threatening to expose her lies. Hell, some small-time hacker named Guccifer from Romania hacked into her server and downloaded some of the same stuff we recovered.  Second, Judicial Watch filed a Freedom-Of-Information-Act lawsuit and the judge in the case has allowed them to depose Clinton’s aides and probably Clinton herself.  The Obama Administration does not control the judicial branch of government, although he would like to think he does.  Lord only knows what information will be collected during those depositions, which Judicial Watch promises to make public.  That, in turn, will put heat on the U.S. Justice Department to come clean.

FBI Agent # 2:  And number three, if the Attorney General continues to stonewall us, there are seasoned FBI agents, who will not think twice about leaking information to the media.  In fact, we know that this is already happening based on the reportage we have seen.  So far, none of the most damning details have surfaced, but, my guess, it’s just a matter of time before it all comes to light.

FBI Agent # 3: That’s right, one way or another, the shit will hit the fan.  The cover-up is always worse than the crime, which is saying a lot in this case.  We have one of the biggest cover-ups in American history going on in real time.

FBI Agent # 1: Talk about cover-ups.  We have covered the same ground for several months every time we come to this place.  The only difference is that the evidence keeps mounting as time marches on.  It is incredible and offensive to me that the Justice Department thinks it can throw sand in the eyes of Americans and get away with it.

FBI Agent # 2: It’s no wonder Main Street America has had enough with establishment politicians because this is the kind of shit they do.  They kick Lady Justice in the teeth and then they stand back as they admire their handiwork.

FBI Agent # 3: This is too depressing.  I didn’t dodge bullets in Nam so that scumbag politicians can make a mockery of our justice system.  Let’s hope evil destroys itself as it usually does and that justice is ultimately served.  The next round is on me.

After the waiter returns with a round of drinks, the three G-men toast America and place their trust in the words “Equal Justice Under Law,” which is engraved on the façade of the United States Supreme Court building.

–        LV


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