OK, now I get it. Take a couple tabs of Euphorestra and Hopium, and stick to talking about making money in the market. Greed won’t offend anyone.
So I started to tell my buddy about my new screenplay idea: “There’s a global pandemic, and when they rush a bunch of vaccines to market, then….”
“Stop right there–even talking about vaccines will get you renditioned to a hellhole in one of the ‘stans.”
“But it’s just fiction.”
“You can argue with your guard in the hellhole, just before they haul you off to be waterboarded.”
“Jeez, has everything really gotten that crazy? OK, never mind. Anyway, I’m working on a little nostalgic story about the good old days when we plinked cans with our .22 rifles…”
“Don’t mention guns. Doesn’t matter who you talk to, somebody will get upset.”
“But this was in the mountains, nobody around, just single-shot .22s.”
“Doesn’t matter. You’ll lose friends or make new enemies just mentioning guns. Forget it.”
“OK, if you say so. Hey, did you read about that proposal for the Supreme Court?”
“Are you trying to get people to hate on you? Never bring up politics and the Supreme Court, it’s a sewage sandwich. Whatever you say will unleash hell.”
“Dang, is it really so insane out there? I think you’re getting psycho-paranoid.”
“Don’t ever joke about anything related to mental illness. That’s super-taboo.”
“Anyways, I was reading an article about cryptos and energy consumption, and–”
“Never bring up cryptos except privately, it’s like a religious war. You’ll get burned at the stake one way or the other.”
“Has everyone forgotten what Thomas Merton said, ‘The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves’?”
“Merton was a Christian, right? Don’t bring up Christianity, that’ll get you crucified. If you want to talk about religion, talk about Zoroastrianism, but only to people who don’t know anything about it.”
“This is nuts! What can I talk about? The weather?”
“Nope, never bring up the weather unless you want to lose friends and make new enemies. The word “weather” means global warming now, and there you go, down the rathole to hell again.”
“OK Mr. Smart-Guy. What isn’t taboo yet? A movie I saw?”
“No way, that’s guaranteed to set off a firestorm because every movie has a subtext that offends someone. And if you praise a comedy, that’s offensive to everyone who’s offended on behalf of the offended.”
“Don’t tell me that bringing up the killer burrito I had at that taco truck down by the harbor–”
“Are you joking? It’s cultural appropriation even mentioning an ethnic food, and the word ‘killer’ is verboten–just another example of the normalization of violence.”
“Is there anything that isn’t taboo?”
“As far as I can tell, only one thing: minting money in the market. Talk about options and penny stocks, you’re golden with everyone. Those who scored big gains are gloating, and those who missed out want in.”
“So greed and folly are the only non-taboo topics left?”
“Yes, greed is still good, but only if you’re bullish and upbeat. If you’re bearish, forget it. You’re better off in the rendition hellhole in the ‘stans.”
“OK, now I get it. Take a couple tabs of Euphorestra and Hopium, and stick to talking about making money in the market. Greed won’t offend anyone.”
“Correct. At least until the bubble pops. After that, better stick with kittens and puppies.”
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- They’ll come for your cars soon.
- You Will Never See This on the News
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