by John Ward
FISH TO HAVE FINAL WORD
There’s a smell of British watery climbdown in the air of Brussels as Prime Minister Borisanta Johnclaws prepares to announce an historic Brexit deal today. As this will gloss over all the nasty fishbones we have to swallow, it falls once more to The Slog to investigate the hidden Clauses haha clauses, Claus, gerritt??!!??
As the Brexit trawl went down to the last piece of bait last night, Michael Martin, the Irish premier, confirmed that the final deal would represent the world’s first inter-species trade agreement: “It’s all down to the fish,” he confirmed.
Within seconds of the announcement, Pew Research, Ipsos Mori and YouGov Surveys scrambled to get aboard a flotilla of Small Boats reminisicent of the 1940 Dunkirk miracle. Divers daubed in duck fat and armed with waterproof clipboards plunged into the icy depths of the Channel to test not the beat of the street, but to tickle the fickle feelings of the fish.
However, Brussels-based research organisation Eurofib were first out of the blocks with a sample of four cod, three skate, five sole and two thousand nine hundred and forty one whitebait. Michel Barnier – on hearing the news that 73% of the sample spoke only French – hailed it as a victory for piscean democratic values and a vindication of his All For Us and None for You negotiating stance. But Eurofib went on social media to point out that all but one of the sample catch said they preferred to be eaten by the British, before Finbook removed the post. The only detractor was one cod who said, “How can I answer you with this fucking hook in my mouth, you con”.
The Guardian ran a poll overnight showing British expectations of how the fish-fight would end. This was the outcome:
This morning, renegade mackerel leaders leapt up to insist that “nationality is a red herring” and “most of us are confirmed UKippers at the end of the day”. Perhaps the most sensible position was taken by herring leader Allec Arence who suggested, “I mean really, we taste just awful, so don’t eat us”.
But in Brussels, haggling over quotas continued this morning as Nigel Fichage tried to stamp his personality on proceedings:
“There’s no smoking without fire,” he began, “and by fishing for compliments the traitor Johnson has left us in a pickled kettle of fish as our side once again showed that getting us on the hook is like shooting fish in a barrel even though when it comes to trading partners there are far more fish in the sea and we have bigger fish to fry, but we have failed to use a sprat to catch a mackerel. Still, I suppose an EU President who’s a cold fish sauerkraut makes a change from someone who drinks like a fish and I don’t mind saying I feel like a fish out of water and the whole thing’s rather fishy”.
He was then disqualified for repetition.
Distracting attention briefly from his inability to tell an infection from a falling death-rate, Manflu Halfcock told BBC Breakfast, “I really don’t know what any of this has got to do with the price of fish” before claiming a world first by declaring, “today I am delighted to announce that Ferguson Horby Crystal Balls Incorporated have isolated the new virus Codiv21 which they confidently predict will kill every cod in the world by next Tuesday unless we order an immediate trawler lockdown”.
“Eet eez warnce myrrh a caisse erv la perfide Albion,” Emannuel Mackerel observed.