LOS ANGELES, CA—El Segundo man Barry Walker wept bitterly in court today after a judge sentenced him to 20 years in state prison for possession of a crazy straw.
Walker was arrested in January after police pulled him over, searched his car, and found a supply of crazy straws in his glove compartment. After administering their customary beating, the LAPD arrested him and brought him in, where he was charged with Illegal Possession of a Controlled Crazy Straw, in violation of new California law.
“The suspect had a loaded, unsecured crazy straw in his car, one with a lot of little loopies and everything,” the arresting officer had told reporters back in January. “When he couldn’t produce a valid CCW, we realized we were dealing with a dangerous madman.”
The California court system fast-tracks significant crazy straw prosecution cases over “less significant” criminal cases like murder or rape, and so Walker was convicted in under a month.
“We hope Mr. Walker’s strict sentencing today serves as a warning to criminals: the state of California does not take crazy straw possession lightly. Please, if you know a loved one who still has an unregistered crazy straw—sometimes known on the street as ‘silly straws’ or ‘loop de doos’—turn them in.”
“If you see something, say something,” he added.