It was an excellent week for the Clinton camp. On Friday evening, October 23rd, Hillary Clinton’s aides head over to the Blackfinn Saloon, a local watering hole in Washington DC, to celebrate. They take their usual seats in the back room of the Blackfinn. Unbeknownst to them, there is an uninvited guest positioned on the wall next to their table. The fly has his antennas up and this is what he hears.
Aid # 1: You can’t make this up. Hillary hit the Trifecta. First, with her brilliant debate last week. Second, with Joe Biden dropping out of the race on Wednesday. And yesterday, with her bravura performance at the House Select Committee’s bullshit hearing on Benghazi.
Aid # 2: Unbelievably, Bernie Sanders handed her the nomination when he said during their debate that the American people are “sick and tired of hearing about” Hillary’s “damn emails.” Hillary couldn’t have said it better, if Bernie was a puppet sitting in her lap. He might as well have dropped out the race and endorsed Hillary right there and then on national TV.
Aid # 3: Joe Biden finally threw in the towel and declared he would not run for president. It sure took him long enough. Joe enjoyed the publicity and his delusional supporters begging him to run. Who can blame the old man for basking in the political limelight as long as he could? Joe wanted to prolong the suspense and milk it for all it was worth, and that’s exactly what he did. He had no chance against Hillary and he knew it. You think Joe would have been gracious enough to endorse Hillary when he announced his decision not to run, but, I guess, that was a bridge too far for him.
Aid # 1: Bernie’s de facto endorsement of Hillary and Joe’s refusal to run means the field has been cleared of its useless underbrush. Lincoln Chaffee and Jim Webb, who couldn’t be elected dogcatchers, also saw the light. Both of them dropped out of the race this week. Martin O’Malley is a joke. He won’t let good judgment stand in his way, so he keeps running and making speeches to non-existent crowds. If his brains were put inside a hummingbird, it would fly backwards. (The fly on the wall twitched when he heard this analogy, but he didn’t let on.)
Aid # 2: For all intents and purposes, Hillary is now the presumptive Democratic nominee for president.
Aid # 3: With wacko Donald Trump leading the GOP pack of Republican presidential candidates, Hillary is more than the presumptive Democratic nominee for president; she is now the presumptive next president of the United States.
Aid # 1: Hear! Hear! Waiter, please bring us another round.
Aid # 2: How about that Benghazi hearing yesterday? Hillary took Trey Gowdy and his fellow GOP committee members to school. She handled every single one of their questions with aplomb and dignity. Her composure in the face of incoming fire stood in sharp contrast to the hateful innuendo leveled at her by her inquisitors. They had nothing on her. Absolutely nothing.
Aid # 3: The hearing confirmed what that GOP idiot Kevin McCarthy said on national TV. The whole Benghazi investigation is a political witch hunt, whose sole purpose is to tar and derail Hillary’s candidacy. What an epic failure it turned out to be and a complete waste of taxpayer money. The blatant attempt at character assassination totally backfired. After Hillary decimated the committee, there’s no point continuing the political charade. The committee needs to be shut down. And I’m sure the public agrees.
Aid # 1: There is only one potential fly in the ointment. (The fly on the wall squirmed when he heard this weird expression.) The FBI has Hillary’s private server and their investigation is well under way. I’m afraid they will uncover emails that might be harmful to Hillary. Every few weeks another batch of the work-related emails that she gave to the government is released. And they always seem to contain some awkward revelation about something or other she said or did.
Aid # 2: Yeah, I was part of the team that went through all of her emails. We made sure nothing potentially damaging was delivered to the government. We erased all the rest. At least, we thought so when we wiped the server clean.
Aid # 3: That could pose a problem. By now, the FBI has recovered all the emails that we thought we erased or they got access to them on a backup server we didn’t know about at the time.
Aid # 1: What if the FBI has found damning or, at the very least, embarrassing emails? What happens then?
Aid # 2: Didn’t we go over all this before?
Aid # 3: Yes, we did. Even if the pain-in-the-ass FBI finds every single email Hillary ever sent or received in her life, they aren’t going to do anything with that information. Those emails will never see the light of day.
Aid # 1: Exactly. The White House and the Justice Department will see to that. The FBI’s investigation will go nowhere and will be shut down in due time. The FBI is just going through the motions and they know it. Contrary to public perception, the FBI is not politically tone deaf. Quite the contrary. If they were going to charge Hillary with a crime, they would have done so already. They haven’t and they won’t.
Aid # 2: Hillary has the FBI by the short hairs. Right now, she’s is the Democratic Party’s one and only viable candidate. There’s no way, President Obama, who cherishes his legacy, is going to destroy the only candidate, who can protect it, by having her criminally indicted by his Justice Department. No way.
Aid # 3: The best thing the FBI can do at this point is erase – this time permanently – any of Hillary’s emails they find, if they haven’t done so already. It’s good for them, it’s better for the president, and it’s best for us.
Aid # 1: I’m glad we disposed of that unpleasant issue. Let’s change the subject. Here, have one of these newly imported H. Upmann Magnum 46 Cuban cigars, complements of Hillary’s work at the State Department. She was instrumental in ending the 54-year cold war with our friends in Cuba and opening Cuba for business.
Aid # 2: I thought Obama and John Kerry were the ones responsible for the Cuban initiative.
Aid # 3: Perhaps, but we’ll made sure Hillary gets the credit before long.
Aid # 1: In light of Hillary’s recent string of political victories, it’s time for us to start measuring the drapes in the White House.
Aid # 2: Amen. We had to endure two clueless presidents in a row since Bill Clinton ran the show.
Aid # 3: All of us will be working once again in the West Wing of the White House.
Aid # 1: Here’s another toast to the first woman President of the United States.
All: Hear! Hear!
The fly had heard enough. His head hurt. He flew away, wishing the nut job partisan hacks sitting at the table would buzz off too.