by John Ward
New Victor-Charlie Resurrection Mutant aims to cancel BoJo Jailbreak
Ethical journalists around the world are once more to be praised for coming up with a new strain of the undiscovered Covid19 virus.
“It’s wonderful news,” said Health Tsar Manflu Halfcock, “it arrived just in time to cause a rethink about June 21st, and I’m asking all the very nice responsibly unselfish terrified people to go down to Fleet Street and do a lot of clapping. Roibos tea and gluten free muffins will be supplied free by the Ministry of Culture, Media and Sport”.
In a move that should horrify and disgust all of us in equal measure, the male White supremacist rapist English Covid variant inseminated the poor defencelessly delicate Indian-lady version, and this has now become the Mutant Very Dangerous Vietnamese Hybrid strain. We know it’s very dangerous, because the Daily Telegraph bought space on social medium Litter to tell us:
Chief UK Medicated Wealth Officer Christopher Witless hailed the global media coverage as “a terrific display of inventive choreography” while Sir Hattrick Bankbalance praised the “dedication of slaves in reporting this deadly rampaging spawn of the Devil – even to the point of foregoing lunch in order to do so”.
Neither man was exaggerating:
BBC Chief Health correspondent Fergus Bogeywalsh followed up with “It’s very worrying. In fact, very very worrying indeed. And incalculably, infinitely dangerous. So far we’ve only had Doctor Jekyll, but this looks like the Mr Hybrid that I’ve been saying all along will kill at the very least 3.8 billion people not all of whom will be Chinese.”
But ace cub reporter Tom Harwood of GBNews was once more ahead of the pack:
“All the signs are there,” he tweeted, “Hanoi is already calling it the Coviet strain – an obvious, gloating reference to the Viet Cong while also using a term very close to Soviet. We should expect (given Victor-Charlie’s track record) immediate invasions of Cambodia, Lao” [before, baffled, he ran out of space]
Meanwhile, in a game bid to stop the Deadly Fast-Replicating Very Dangerous Coviet Hybrid in its tracks, largely unknown Labour leader Steer Calmer burst into tears on television while being interviewed by Smears Pogrom.
“Jesus wept,” said Smears.
“Correct,” said Calmer, “I am in fact the Messiah and I have the sort of humble compassion that produces exactly what this great broad church of ours needs – a fucking miracle. My tears are holy and you just watch that Coviet Hybrid turn back once I spray it with my streaming eyewash”.
Mr Pogrom later denied that he is a transinhuman hybrid of Anthrax. He declined, however, to take a test to see if he is IVF negative.
The uncertainty of what on Earth hacks will write about after Covid burns itself out is only surpassed in John Ward’s fevered brain by what in God’s name the Labour Party is going to do once Keir Starmer goes on Reeducation Leave. Unable to square this sphere of hermetically sealed mystery, he has taken to satire, gardening and drink – not necessarily in that order.