by John Ward
In an astonishing outburst, top extra-terrestrial virology expert Christopher Whitty insists that reckless England footballers taking penalties while unmasked gifted the Euros crown to Italy. “A mask is the perfect vehicle for disguising your intentions from the wicket-keeper,’ he said. The Slog investigates.
In keeping with the New Normal policy of ennobling losers, Gareth Southgate is to be knighted*. It’s not clear as yet precisely why, but sources close to Her Maj suggested the award would be for services to kneeling and ensuring the entire English team was fully immunised against penalty Cockup21. Commenting on the vaccine’s effectiveness, Mr Patrick Bank-Vallance said, “Missing three penalties out of five still means we scored 40% of the time, which is about average for vaccines nowadays – and of course, nobody died…..which is an excellent outcome”.
At the post-match press conference, Gareth added, “Wull, we could’ve taken the money the Italian FA offered us, but chose instead to take the knee. Unfortunately, Rashford was injured during that tribute to ten billion innocent selves, which explains why his penalty kick was slightly sub-prime but thass football innit”.
Alhough preoccupied with the chore of taking 46 flags down from her bijou Downing Street residence, Prime Sinister Doris Jobsdone took time out to tell her subjects, “People must not return to life as normal after July 19*, otherwise we’ll have to reimpose restrictions, and if cases continue to go up we’ll do that anyway.”
But there was good news as Oxford Recoverup announced a Great British Breakthrough that can only Build Back Better – a vaccine that tackles Acute Luggage Respiratory Syndrome by ensuring the case doesn’t turn into Covid19 requiring hospitalisation. “Our brilliant new mRNALGBT formulation ZyklonC will remove ninety per cent of the pressure on the NHS,” Professor Peter Whoreby promised, “because it is a one hundred per cent effective way of killing patients before they get anywhere near a hospital, and has full approval as an entirely safe genocidal agent”.
However, in a Mail column yesterday controversial outspoken twice-jabbed bon viveur Peter Kitchens told readers, “I only had the jabs so I could go darn Spain and savour the superb flavour of Costa del Sol fish ‘n’ chips now that the WEF wants to Build Back Better Batter. But I still need to self-isolate, and so I feel let down – rather like thousands of my erstwhile fans”.
Meanwhile, as July 19th approaches and fears for their absolute power grow, senior health advisers have found a new deadly reason to irrigate the bedding:
The lady concerned was only 90*, and expert modeller Sir Alex Ferguson told Gary Vinegar this morning that “having fed this disturbing information into my cutting-edge Amstrad computer, it is clear that we will have to slaughter everyone aged under 50 which may sound drastic but once Double Covid takes hold anything could happen eg international footie star feet being infected with peripheral incompetence and anyway failure to protect everyone even pointless Belgian crones represents nothing less than wicked Nazi eugenics”. Sir Alex then turned blue and was escorted away by his nurse, Red Rosa Klebklone….but the damage had already been done:
British Chancellor Sushi Runatik immediately responded by praising the please-can-I-get-my-tits-out patriotism of Rhian Sugden:
“She is an example to us all,’ said Golden Boy Sushi, “week in week out she is darn the Tottenham ‘otspurs cheering on our lads and selflessly insisting that her breasts are more important than silly conspiracy theories about financial crises, not very good England players, racial abuse on social media and Covid . It is your social duty to be gullibly distracted as the New Normal takes place, and absolutely essential that your onanism results in blindness.”
Bring Back Boobs Bobbling Bouncily Because Bully-Boy Bankers Build Better Boners.
*Tragically, these bits are true.