by John Ward
It may be fake news today, but try to be patient: as ever, The Slog brings you tomorrow’s Real News now, as yesterday’s surreal news comes true today, and today’s fake news is made flesh tomorrow. It’s all a question of timing.
Senior Congressional Democrats came out in force today to back Hillary Clinton’s brave call for a national ban on memos. Hillary issued this release from the Clinton Foundation offices in Uzbekinesia:
“Having been denied the Presidency by the misogynist glass ceiling erected by the CIA, FBI, GOP, SEC, NSA, NRA, IRA, MUFC, FISA and Russia, I think most liberal Americans and even mentally ill redneck rapists who disagree with me now sense that the time is right to stop writing memos, in order to ensure that State secrets STAY secret.
“If elected President at the relatively young age of 76 after Oprah has had a desperate crack at it, I pledge to the American People that my Administration will be 130% memo-free with absolutely nothing written down that might falsely incriminate patriotic, hard-working White Staffers, or me, or Bill”.
In the light of this pledge, President Tweet trumped as follows:
‘Don’t get me wrong, I like Hillary she’s a wonderful person and I don’t blame her at all for the Benghazi massacre, nossirr, not at all. But hey – I think she married the wrong guy and it’s time she got over it.’
The inveterate borrower formerly known as Donald later held a press conference during which he condemned “the UnAmerican political balance being put forward by Limey know-all blogger The Slog”. In a rare display of national unity, Ms Clinton endorsed the White House opinion.
The Slog maintained a remote dignity by remarking that, “This is all part of the Special Relationship of give-and-take we enjoy with the United States…we give our support to every last one of Washington’s mendacious foreign policy interventions, and they take sides regardless of our opinion”.
Mineralogists have found a large chunk of Canadian rock formation in the small town of Georgetown, northeastern Australia. Justin Trudeau reacted swiftly, telling the Aussie government that this was “possibly the biggest case of inappropriate sexual kidnapping ever seen on the Planet”. He demanded that Canberra give a crack Canadian team of LGBT investigators immediate access to the rock in order to establish its gender, sexual orientation and precisely how the blithering fuck it wound up in Australia.
“It’s time progressive values entered the stage in this hopelessly male-dominated clique of mineralogists intent on spreading its anti-woman white supremacist agenda everywhere,” he told a puzzled audience at Davos, adding “gender parity, diversity, the imbalance of corporate boards, single mothers, the Canada child benefit, future women’s summits and the urgent need to create more well-paying middle class jobs for the transsexually confused is not something that can just be treated as business as usual”.
Mr Trudeau was later disqualified for repetition and deviation.
A story in today’s Sunday Telegraph suggests that tax collectors at the HMRC (in cahoots with Treasury officials) have for some time been following a policy of demanding payments for taxes that don’t exist. Former LibDem Minister for Pensions Steve Webb claimed that, “Creative Tax Application or CTA was introduced during my time as a Minister, although I myself vigorously opposed it. I did not come out on the issue seven years ago while I was being paid £140,000 by HMG, as I worried that nobody would believe me and I would have to go through the trauma of a public trial with all the potential heartache for my family and all I want to do is put this incident behind me while relying upon the common sense of the British people”.
CTA measures apparently included a tax demand sent to single mothers for every destitute pensioner in the household with access to a window; demands sent to 150,000 Waspi women for tax payable on State pensions they still don’t have; a tax on “excessive usage of air” by those requiring iron lungs; and a preemptive money-laundering tax on anyone paying cash for small items such as prescriptions, potatoes, pizzas and any other item beginning with p regularly purchased by the poor, old and thick.
Commenting on the story, Chancellor Philibuster Hamshank told the Socialist Worker, “Look here, all kinds of invalid claims are made about our tax system, but we’ve been putting our best brains onto the question of how to combat corporate tax avoidance, and this is what they came up with under that swine Osborne it’s nothing to do with me guv….I myself made many claims relating to tax over the years – for such vital needs as bottom tampons, bus fares, landlord eviction costs and speeding tickets – and I am bound to observe that I have always found the HMRC to be entirely reasonable on the subject”.