by John Ward
It does exactly what it says on the tin.
“Funny I fort, I fort funny”.
From our fake news correspondent Joe Blob
The invasion of the Earth by giant Tampax-wielding scorpions from the Alpha Centauri star system saw rises across the planet’s bourse markets today. Leading business broadcaster Bloomberg greeted the news with a long oped on the huge potential for new resources in our nearest star arrangement, and Procter & Gamble shares leapt 3000% on the news.
“The potential for expansion in the raw materials space is beyond calculation,” said Bloomberg’s Bonnie Megahair, “particularly as, given they’ll come from many light years away, the new materials will be not rare earth minerals as such, but extraterrestrially new and thus of unknown value and benefit tousandgoshI’msohyperaboutthis mywordsarerunninintereachotherandso Ineedtogoawaysomewhereandpopadiazepam”.
JP Morgan’s Australian leading economics guru Crigue ‘Ned’ Kelly looked forward to “a new era of growth bigun byee Prisidint Tramp and nye barned ter lead ter risk-off grithe in the anythin’ oi can think of sectah, or my grinny Sheila Killy’s the pikey-pub slappa of a ridback’s dingo ancle, mite”.
Equally, the world’s radical feminist community was overcome with joy at the sight of Caucasion males being pummelled to death by outsized sanitary aids. Although leading Antifa feminist Tug Liberace hid her merriment under a visage of rabid victimhood, she told the Socialist American Red Rag, “The sight of these alien women running things somewhere for the peaceful good of us all and sticking it to predatory male racist rapescum fascist slavers brings tears of laughter to my eyes, which I am not shedding purely because that would be a criminal waste of such a precious ecological commodity”.
Less happy with the arrival of homicidal screeching aliens are the inhabitants of Sardinia, where the scorpions (average length four metres excluding the tail) have established a bridgehead and either stunned or stung over ninety percent of the local population with fatal results.
But leading British Leftlib Minnie Cooper made a plea for understanding the essential vulnerability of what she called interplanetary migrants:
“Due to my extensive knowledge of arachnids, I have been able to establish that most of these defenceless creatures are children, almost certainly abandoned as a result of feckless male adult scorpion behaviour. They will without doubt bring huge diversity to our planet, and at this historic moment of visitation, we should show compassion….not reject them simply because they don’t conform to Hollywood visions of ET.”
Similarly, Gary Limoker dismissed the Sardianians’ response as “Scorpism”.
Taking an entirely different standpoint, Boris Spiderson said he was “appalled to see this latest example of twisted Russian science worthy of the very worst experiments of the Nazis”. He added:
“Although I am myself an arachnid and make no secret of it, I have spoken to the chaps at Porton Down and they are as clear as am I that the idea these creatures hail from a distant planet is just a lot of leftwing poppycock. We have now isolated the research establishment where the scorpions were developed, and I have already passed aerial photographs of it to my fellow journalists at the Daily Telegraph*. Early samples we have obtained of the so-called “Tampax” suggest they are nothing more than Russian-made and ecologically damaging absorbent polymers soaked in a cheap brand of Tomato sauce (popular in Moscow among Putin’s evil entourage) called Novosketchop.
*Telegraph military intelligence expert Con Mancoughlin later confirmed that the shots did indeed feature a secret unit, although later still Offguardianpointed out its remarkable resemblance to Salisbury hospital.
The Scottish College of Sturgeons and the Medics for Jeremy Union based in Haringey have today jointly announced their discovery of a strong clinical correlation between Brexit and the development of acutely cancerous Alzheimer cells.
Commenting on the findings, respected warmonger and consistent Truth-seeker Alascare Campblair said, “Professor Sturgeon has done a fine job here in showing just how round-the-bend everyone who voted Leave really is. It’s just a shame that the Jeremiahs who have kidnapped This Great Third Way Movement of Ours have seen fit to cynically hitch a ride on her studious research”.
Welcoming the publication of the study’s findings, EC negotiator Gappy Verhofprat tweeted, ‘We true Europeans have many times wondered why the Little Britains wish to leave our peace-loving Paradise of Human Rights but now we know – they are terminally demented serve them right hahahaha’.
The Sturgeon/MJU study was behavioural rather than attitudinal, observing the voting and mental health of some 39 UKIP members aged over 90 during 2016, and then matching the sample to 14 Oxbridge graduates over the same period.
“This demonstrates conclusively,” said Michel Barmier, “the need to conclude the lives of nasty old insane bloodsucking bats standing in the way of progressive idealism, and so until the perfidious British Government introduces and passes legislation for the mercy killing of these depraved leeches, the European Commission will not be engaging in any further Brexit negotiations and see that whiffy turd over there, that’s you that is”.