This is another installment in the Clinton Caper series of satires.
Hillary Clinton’s aides are ecstatic. Their boss is on a roll and the prospects for her coronation next January have never been brighter. It’s late Friday afternoon, June 17th, as they leave their cushy offices at the Clinton Foundation in Manhattan and head over to a local watering hole, where they are habitués. The owner recognizes them as soon as they enter the upscale bar, and he ushers them to a quiet table in a private room at the rear of the establishment.
As soon as they are seated, a waitress brings them a round of drinks. There was no need for them to order the first round because it’s always on the house, which is customary for such special guests.
As they raise their glasses, a toast is made to the next President of the United States.
Aide # 1: Here’s to Madame President Hillary Clinton, who has this election all wrapped up. She demolished Sanders with a huge victory in the California primary, ending his futile run for the roses. Let the coronation proceed.
Aide # 2: Hopefully, Bernie comes to his senses and calls it a day. We don’t need him showing up at the Democratic Convention next month and starting trouble. The old man needs to endorse Hillary and put an end to his delusions of grandeur. He never had a chance and should be grateful he received as much attention as he has. America is never gonna elect an avowed Marxist to be our president. Only a bunch of young whippersnappers would fall for Bernie’s so-called revolution. He tried to lead them in a socialist movement to nowhere. Now that dream is over. Those kids need to wake up and smell the coffee. They need to join forces with Hillary because she’s the real deal.
Aide # 3: We’re happy to give Sanders a token acknowledgment at the convention and we’ll even let him make a speech to the delegates, as long as he keeps it brief. As a bonus, we’ll give him and his wife a swag bag at our private party after Hillary is formally nominated at the convention. But he will have to endorse Hillary first, which he should have done right after he lost California. At this point, the senile bastard is becoming a pain-in-the-ass. He feels the Bern and it doesn’t agree with him.
Aide # 1: Enough talk about Bernie Sanders. He’s so yesterday. Let’s talk about a more agreeable subject — the self-destruction of Donald Trump.
Aide # 2: Hear, hear. To the Trumpster. Hillary couldn’t have handpicked an easier opponent to run against. Trump is his own worst enemy, saying bat-shit-crazy things to offend people. He’s like Don Rickles on the campaign trail, trying to insult his way into the White House. No demographic is safe when he opens his mouth. Trump is running out of constituencies to alienate and he is doing so at an unprecedented rate.
Aide # 3: The leaders of his own party can’t put enough distance between themselves and Trump. The guy is radioactive. He’s the gift that keeps giving. I almost feel like switching parties so I can attend the John Belushi-type food fight that’s gonna take place at the GOP convention. But it could get dicey with all the rioting that is expected to occur on the streets outside the convention hall. Party stalwarts like the Bushes and Romney said they aren’t going to attend. If the truth be known, many establishment Republicans prefer Clinton over Trump because they believe they can do business with her because she is the epitome of an establishment politician. They consider Trump too much of existential threat. For the establishment, ideological differences take a backseat to maintaining power. Power, not ideology, is what really counts at the end of the day. Therefore, Hillary is a safer bet than Trump and nervous GOP leaders know it.
Aide # 1: Hillary doesn’t need to do anything at this point. When your opponent is busy destroying himself, just leave him alone. Trump is a total nut job and, to make matters worse, he has earned the enmity of the mainstream media. Hillary had the news outlets in her back pocket as soon as she announced her candidacy for president. The media are still all in for Hillary, but have also developed an edgy attitude toward Trump after his repeated tirades against reporters. For crying out loud, Trump just banned the Washington Post from his rallies and press conferences claiming its reporters are treating him unfairly. What did he expect after calling them liars and dirt bags?
Aide #2: Trump is trying to attack Hillary on her private email server, but the press isn’t taking the bait. It’s an old story that most Americans either don’t understand or consider to be a tempest in a teapot leveled by jealous Clinton haters.
Aide # 3: Every time some reporter asks Hillary if she will be indicted, she looks them straight in the eye and says it ain’t gonna happen. She faced down the FBI on national TV for all to see. As far as she’s concerned, they can shove their investigation where the sun doesn’t shine. After all, she will soon be their boss, so they better not do anything foolish, or even think about it, if they want to keep their jobs.
Aide # 1: There’s no way Obama or his Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, whom Bill Clinton appointed as a U.S. Attorney, is ever gonna indict Hillary for anything. It is silly for anyone to think otherwise. That’s why Hillary laughs it off. Hillary knows she has a winning hand with a compliant press and an electorate with a short attention span.
Aide # 2: At this point, it doesn’t matter what the FBI finds. Even if she is guilty, she won’t get indicted. People in this country, who cling to the quaint notion that there is equal justice under the law, are naïve to a fault. Nothing will interrupt Hillary’s coronation. It’s a done deal. Americans are suckers for novelties. They elected the first black president, Barack Obama, last time and they will elect the first female president, Hillary Rodman Clinton, this time. It’s her turn and nothing will stop her.
Aide # 3: Well said. And, for those who think the Clinton Foundation is a slush fund for the Clintons, I can’t say I disagree, although I wouldn’t put it in such harsh terms. Is there any better place for the Clintons to park trusted aides like us between their terms as president? We are the people who will staff the executive office under President Hillary Clinton just like we did when her husband was president.
Aide # 1: It is simpleminded for Americans to think that pay-to-play isn’t a fact of life. Indeed, it is the lubricant that greases the skids at all levels of politics. Anyone who ponies up bigtime money to a politician’s campaign fund or, in the Clinton’s case, the Clinton Foundation has an expectation that the favor will be returned in one form or another. Ask Trump. He knows best how that works.
Aide # 2: Actually, the Clinton Foundation was a master stroke of genius conceived by the Clintons after Bill’s second term in office expired. It not only enriched the Clintons, it gave us a livelihood and for that we are forever indebted to our benefactors, the Clintons. People complain that only a very small percentage of the Foundation’s revenues finds its way to people in need. Those critics don’t understand that the Foundation has very high overhead expenses such as our salaries and benefits. They also don’t seem to grasp the concept that charity begins at home.
Aide # 3: And it gets better. The Clinton Foundation will endure. Chelsea is a chip off the old block. She learned well from her parents. After her mother and father, Chelsea will make it a trifecta in the Oval Office someday. Americans love novelties.
Aide # 1: Only in America! Here, take one of these Cohiba Cuban cigars, while I order another round.
The three aides continue to wax poetic at their supreme good fortune. They look forward to a landslide victory for Clinton in November and perhaps control of the House and Senate, as down-ballot Democrats are swept into office on Clinton’s dress train.
Such is the euphoria that currently envelopes Clinton supporters. Time will tell if that euphoria continues unabated through the remainder of the presidential campaign.
Prior Clinton Caper: