Breitbart News reported that several Obama staffers were spotted last Friday night, the evening of 9/11, at the Blackfinn Saloon, which is a Washington DC watering hole located a few blocks from the White House. Apparently, they were there celebrating last week’s victory over the hapless Republicans, who failed to force Obama to veto the GOP’s planned vote to overwhelmingly disapprove the Iran nuclear deal. Instead, senate Democrats were able to secure 43 votes and prevent the resolution from reaching the floor of the senate for an up or down vote. In an act of unprecedented stupidity and hypocrisy, all Republicans in the U.S. Senate, except for Tom Cotton of Arkansas, accomplished this dubious legislative feat by passing the so-called Corker Bill last May, which lowered the bar to sustain a filibuster from the usual 60 votes to only 41 votes. The Republicans managed to “corker” themselves.
Let’s listen in on the Obama staffers as they celebrate their victory in a private room at the Blackfinn.
Staffer # 1: I’m sorry I got here late. I was laughing so hard in the Oval Office along with the president that security had to call for medical assistance. I blew the coffee I was drinking out through my nose and I started to gag. We were all in there making fun of the pompous Republican leaders, McConnell and Boehner, the two doofuses who can’t find their ass with both hands and a flashlight. I hope I didn’t ruin the new carpet with the presidential seal on it. When her husband took office in 2009, Michelle asked that the carpet be replaced to get rid of the stench left behind by Bush and his team of wingnuts.
Staffer # 2: Yeah, we also celebrated the victory in the West Wing. It was another slam dunk laugher over the clueless GOP. These festivities are kind of losing their edge because they’re happening so often. It’s actually routine at this point. I almost feel sorry for those dumb-ass Republican fools who eat crow all the time. You can see the pained look on their faces, as though they are always constipated.
Staffer # 3: Don’t feel sorry for them. Those assholes took to the microphones complaining how they were denied the right to have their votes cast for the record against the Iran deal, which they claim will start a nuclear arms race in Mid-East. They keep saying we sold out Israel. If Israel were really so concerned about the Iranians getting their hands on a nuclear bomb and are so concerned about Iran being an existential threat, why don’t the Israelis do something about it? They need to stop their bellyaching. It’s a done deal and they need to get used to it.
Staffer # 1: You’re right. Wasn’t it only a few months ago that we sat here partying after our friends over at the Supreme Court upheld ObamaCare over some bullshit lawsuit about an irrelevant phrase in the law concerning states having to set up health insurance exchanges? What a complete farce. Even Chief Justice John Roberts, whom that crazy cowboy Bush appointed, agreed with President Obama that the intent of the law was clear. The Court shot down the appeal. For good measure, the following week the SCOTUS upheld same sex marriage. After all, President Obama is a Constitutional scholar and he knew that the Court would rule in his favor in both cases. This is too easy. It’s like shooting goldfish in a bowl.
Staffer # 2: And how about all of these so-called scandals? Take Benghazi and the IRS for example. How many years have the Republicans been talking about this nonsense? Nobody cares, except them. We all know what happened the night of the Benghazi attack. We did what we had to do. It was 9/11 for Chrissakes and we had an election to win. And guess what? We won. That reminds me that tonight is also 9/11 and we won again. But it didn’t help matters when that bitch, Hillary Clinton, told a congressional committee on national TV, “What difference, at this point, does it make?” That remark really pissed everyone off. Consequently, we have had unending congressional investigations into Benghazi. But, at the end of the day, none of the investigations are going to turn up anything that will stick. After all, we control the information that congress is seeking. So they need to put a lid on it.
Staffer # 3: And that bullshit IRS scandal won’t quit. The IRS was right to question and target conservative groups who were seeking tax-exempt status. But, you have to admit that the IRS was real sloppy about how they went about it. They failed to contain the issue. And our friend Lois Lerner didn’t do us any favors by taking the Fifth with a shit-eating smirk on her face. But, what the hell? Shit happens. Nobody will go to jail over this tempest in a teapot. Frankly, most people who hear about it, don’t understand what the issue is and, even if they do, they don’t give a damn.
Staffer # 1: Thank God for the short attention span of Americans. Most people are lucky they know the name of the president of the U.S. and could care less about politics. Look at what’s happening now. This lunatic Donald Trump is leading in the Republican presidential polls. The people, who watched him on the “Apprentice,” think it’s a good idea to elect this loose cannon so he can fire career politicians, like us, who make sure this country operates day in, day out. They don’t realize that this country would go straight to the dogs, if weren’t for public servants like us.
Staffer # 2: Well said. Buy this guy another round. In fact, let’s all have another round.
Staffer # 3: And have some of these newly imported H. Upmann Magnum 46 Cuban cigars.
(Another round of drinks are delivered to the table, as the staffers proudly light up their cigars.)
Staffer # 1: Here’s a toast to President Obama and to ourselves for implementing his policies so well.
Staffer # 2: This cigar brings up another thing. If it weren’t for our president, the neo-cons on the Republican side would continue the cold war with Cuba until hell freezes over. It took a pragmatic realist like President Obama to break the ice. He opened up diplomatic relations with Cuba, which was long overdue. America and our friends in Cuba will soon reap the benefits of this diplomatic triumph. The same benefits will accrue to our friends in Iran as they comply with the freshly minted nuclear accord. Here’s a toast to diplomacy. Here’s a toast to President Obama and John Kerry, both of whom will be remembered for being the sagacious peacemakers they are. American is blessed to have leaders like these two guys.
Staffer # 3: The Republicans are forever complaining about President Obama overreaching his authority by continually issuing executive orders that they say are the domain of the legislature. They say he only follows the laws he likes, rejects the ones he doesn’t like, and makes up new laws to suit his needs. So what’s the problem? If he didn’t do all things, where would this country be? It would be nowhere and the Party of Stupid knows it. The Republicans in congress can’t find their ass with both hands in their back pockets. In the meantime, we have a government to run and that’s what we intend to do, despite their intransigence.
Staffer # 1: It’s too bad President Obama’s second term will end a year and a half from now. There’s so much more we can do.
Staffer # 2: With the grace of God, we have had a feckless Republican-controlled congress, which we manage to roll every time they think they are going to stop us. The mainstream media, for the most part, has our back. There’s so much more we can accomplish.
Staffer # 3: The problem is Hillary Clinton. Instead of being President Obama’s third, or even fourth, term, she is ruining everything. Instead of being crowned the next president, like she was supposed to, she got herself caught up in a web of scandals — so typical of the Clintons.
Staffer #1: Who knew she had her own private server at her home in Chappaqua? What the hell was she thinking? When President Obama threw her a bone and appointed her Secretary of State back in 2009, the control-freak thought it was in her best interest to have direct control of all her personal and governmental email correspondence. She brought along her close associates, Cheryl Miller and Huma Abedin, into the State Department. And those two didn’t share anything with the rest of us in the administration. They cut us off. And this is the result. We’re all tarred by this scandal and it looks like the Democrats may even lose the White House in 2016 as result. Fortunately, for Hillary, we still control the State and Justice Departments and probably can make this problem go away. But it won’t be easy.
Staffer # 2: The timing couldn’t be worse. The presidential campaign season is well underway. It’s like trying to re-arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic. It doesn’t help that we found out, after the fact, that Hillary may have been trading government favors for donations to the Clinton Foundation and getting outrageous fees for bullshit speeches by her husband. That’s why Obama really can’t stand the Clintons. Nor should he. He is absolutely right not to trust them. After you shake Clinton’s hand, you need to count your fingers to make sure they are all still there.
Staffer # 3: Hey, let’s not dwell on the Clintons. We’re supposed to be here celebrating another outstanding political victory. We can’t control what the future brings. We should congratulate ourselves for a job well done. We dope slapped those dumb-ass Republicans into submission once again.
All Staffers: Hear. Hear!