PROSTHETIC INTELLIGENCE: a case history of credit where credit is due

by John Ward

Brrrp-brrrp, brrrp-brrp: Good morning, and welcome to this client space we at Omnefarious have reserved especially for you, because you our customers and your needs are our first concern.

Cut to ting-dingle-angle-dongly music.

One of our highly trained advisors is only a click away from you now. If you need to report that your nose has exploded, press 1 NOW. If your best friend’s pet python has eaten her, press 2 NOW. In the case of your male partner needing an emergency hysteroctomy, press 3 now. For all other requirements, please wait for one of our expert happiness engineers to solve your problem.

Cut to ting-dingle-angle-dongly music.

If you prefer classical music to perfectly adequate ting-dingle-angle-dongly music, press 1 for Mozart NOW. If you want a bit of boom-bang Waterloo Tchaikovsky, press 2 NOW. Fancy some weepy Brahms? Press 3 NOW. For impenetrable Shostakovistch, press 4 NOW. For…..

Clickety-click:

Rafael: Hello, how can help you me and how are you today?

Caller: I’d like to pay my bill

Rafael: What is beel?

Caller: I want to pay you the money I owe you.

Rafael: Ah, that is different , you haff to pay honleen….

Caller: No, that’s not possible, you see I want to pay you a very large sum and…

Rafael: What you are, drugs baron? You cannot launder money through us…only possible through our bank, Omnibung. I give you Cayman Islands number…..

Caller: No, no, you don’t understand…..I’m a hitman, and I just got paid perfectly legally by a person very high up in the French bureaucracy for disposing of an unpleasant little man who kept on and on writing stuff about the Omnefarious CEO Monsieur Jean-Luc Erechummie.

Rafael: Ah. Thees different. Senor Look ‘ere Chummy very nice man, he give me job…what you owe us money for?

Caller: Three weapons I ordered. The total is €45,000.

Rafael: Holly sheet……

Caller: It’s OK, I want to use a Carte d’Or Macron…

Rafael: You haff Carte Macron? No problem. One meeneet, hi check yo ho-kayee with computer….wait ’til I tell Rosita ’bout thees tonight….

Caller: I’d really rather you didn’t, only….

Rafael:….can yo geef me pleece, first three deegits of your left hand when yo palm downwards?

Caller: I’m sorry?

Rafael: Have to check you not robot.

Caller: Er…little finger, bigger finger, middle finger.

Rafael: Wrong. You are robot. Most probably robot money launderette run by Puerta Rican wall-climbers in league with….

Caller: I gave you the right digits reading left to right….

Rafael: New rules here….binary reading that go up down diagonally. We tole hevryone bout this, even put up notices in Youth Clubs, Job Centres, Snooker halls an’ sheet….

Caller: Look, all I want to do is pay you…isn’t that what you want?

Rafael: Oooohhahahahahahahahah that good one, Gringo.

Caller: Well what the fuck do you want?

Rafael: You use cuss, bad language – ees forbidden to verbally assaulting me, eef I make complaint, you banned for all….

Caller: OK, OK….I apologise….what exactly do you want?

Rafael: Ho-Kayee, I explain si? We want you to be in debt. This way, we make owerr money.

Caller: Er…..riiiight. So you don’t want me to pay you?

Rafael: You catch on quick. We wait until you owe so much, you cannot repay, and then we take hevvrything you got an sell your childreen to Ghislane Maxwell or whoever. Eet eez ze New Normal of 21st century Globalism….heads we win, and the tails you are lozeeng.

Caller: Well, I’ll bid you goodbye then….

Rafael: Sankyoo….now, is there anything else Hi can help you with today?

Caller: No, I think that’s it.

Rafael: You want maybe to keel my moother in the law? I pay you €15 per hour, plus bonus on receipt of death certifying…

Caller: A kind offer, but thanks anyway.

Rafael: No prowblem. Have the nice day now…..