by John Ward
The relief in Great Britain was almost audible this morning as Theresa Chamberpot flew into Croydon Airport to be greeted by a rapturous crowd. Waving a soft, long and scribble-covered stretch of Andrex toilet roll, the Prime Minister slithered down the steps of her specially chartered Gipsy Moth XIX aircraft to address her grateful subjects:
“It is with uncontained joy that I bring back to this, our eternally proud and fiercely independent homeland, the news that his most bountiful majesty Herr Wancker von Luxembuggered has agreed to commute the death sentence on Great Britain to one of slaying a mere 28% of old people until such time as we come to our senses and sign up to any old load of cobblers.
“It is a tribute to all our negotiators but of course mainly me that I have managed to beat Brussels down from their original demand that 100% of all of us must die in order to set an example. Others might have settled for 100% of us without the deadly “all” word, but not me. I bring you not only a 92% reduction in the number of dead persons involved, but also the opportunity to entirely legally bump off greedy old bags who seem to think the world owes them a pension and were going to vote Leave again if we had second referendum, I mean what can you do with these morons?”
As a gladioli-covered Mrs ChamberMayed arrived in Downing Street to yet more cheering throngs, her faithful Master Olly Robbinazi had dutifully evicted her from Number 10 to a nearby Wheelie Bin, where she and her husband waved to the crowd before being locked in for the night. Entirely for their own protection.
The US and China are to resume high level talks about trade and other economic matters. President Xi Jinping and President Donald Trump will blast off from their respective space centres at some point in December, and then for security reasons they will talk at an altitude of 12 miles live via CNN.
NASA has begun a design programme to fit President Trump’s hair into an Apollo capsule, and President Xi’s Glorious People’s Space Endeavour has in turn adapted the warhead of one of its ICBMs to accomodate the Chinese leader.
Although very very high level, a White House spokesman said they will not be crunch talks. They are more likely to be preliminary soundbites as the overture to friendly talks scoping out what to negotiate, following which there are likely to be negotiations towards a settlement. Only then will there be give and take, push and shove, and finally, crunch talks followed by World War III.
“I’m really looking forward to the experience,” said President Trump, “Planet Earth is blue and I’ve nothing else to do”.
As the Donald spoke at length about the dangers of Mexicans taking caravan holidays, there was speculation at the New York Times that there had perhaps been a marijuana binge in Tijuana, after local journalists claimed that a giant iguana was on the loose and determined to eat the United States. The iguana was seen sporting a ruana and a bandana while eating a banana. Last week it ate an entire gymkhana near the Copa Cobana, but wild life officials in the US doubted it could digest Louisiana.
Hard on the heels of his appointment as UKIP’s Grooming Gang expert, Tommy Robinson has in turn landed a job at Goldman Sachs as a senior adviser on market grooming. “When hemlines are high, the markets go up,” Tommy opined, “but now we have our streets littered with burquas, it’s obvious that their very low hemlines will cause the markets to crash.” Mr Robinson is also set to open a chain of dog-grooming salons specifically aimed at men with shaven heads and large boots. The chain (to be called Bovver) will specialise in the training of rottweillers, Siberian Huskies, Pitbulls and Doberman Pinschers. The dogs will be carefully groomed in the art of attacking grooming gangs. “The grooming sector is booming,’ quipped Robinson, “so I’m long in Amalgamated Mohammedan Stonings and West Yorkshire Taxi services”.