by John Ward
In a pan-Galactic once-in-a-generation exclusive scoop you read here first live as it happens in person, The Slog’s global mole network now brings you unrivalled details of Theresa May’s full-frontal campaign to persuade the Best of British thinkers about what’s Best for Britain that she and she alone has the coordinates for reentry into the European Union by leaving the European Union not just in name, but also in name only.
This coming weekend, in every commercial break during the nation’s favourite show, I’m a Strictly Dancing bush-tucker Hasbeen, get me into This, the entire break will feature a message from Whitehall Brexit supremo Mr Olly Wheeliebins.
The prerecorded speech runs as follows:
“Good evening. The Prime Minister Theresa Pay cannot be with us this evening, as she had a subsequent engagement with Monsignor Mario Dragula, the Goldman Sachs papal envoy in Frankfurt. But she has asked me to address you in this broadcast in order to ensure that every British citizen is completely au fait with all the technical terms involved in the deal that has been hammered out on her head since she took over negotiations from David Davis earlier this year…before, that is, handing them over to me.
So without further ado, throat-clearing, filibuster, woffle, deviation, hesitation, distraction, distortion, deception, deliverance or dedication, I shall explain the terminology in the plain Whitehall language of diplomacy.
Freedom of movement. This refers to the Prime Minister’s constitutional and inalienable right to move easily from one position to another on everything to do with the Deal, depending on how it is progressing through Parliament and, here and there, whenever our friends in the European Union might want to make it even better for we, the British People, who are all in this boat together. Such spinal flexibility is essential if she is to take a hard-faced supine stance at all times with Brussels, only then leaving the final decision to me.
Divorce settlement. It is vitally important to lay to rest any misgivings the British People might have about this hotly disputed and somewhat trivial sum of money. Despite the fact that before being Mrs May, Mother Theresa’s maiden title was Miss Givings, it is quite wrong to suggest that the Prime Minister gave £39 billion away for nothing. On the contrary, she used the money as a carrot to get Brussels to the negotiating table. I am sure that all right-thinking and fair British Remain voters would agree that, without that small bargaining chip, we would have no deal at all….and that would have led to the Great Leap into the Dark all economic experts predict with such erroneously laudable consistency.
Control of borders. This rather silly misunderstanding is easily put down to the poor educational standards of all those who voted to Leave the EU. We in the open-minded Remain Camp remain ready at all times to put down Leave voters who cannot spell: for the issue at stake here is the control of boarders. Mrs May has been steadfast in her condemnation of feckless Australians who arrive in this, our Sceptred Isle, and head straight for Cornwall where they laze about on surfboards while accepting vast sums in Welfare payments from our beneficent State to such an extent, we are forced to starve pensioners across our green and pleasant land. So please – rest assured that, with the full support of the European Commission, we shall repel all Antipodean idlers who dare to land upon our shores.
Territorial fishing rights. It is a reprehensible (but typical) Brexiteer lie that British fish will lose their rights as a result of this deal. Every last cod, sole, trout, salmon, grayling, whitebait and coley will have the same pescatarian rights after March 29th 2019 as they have now – including the right to be caught and rendered equally extinct by every EU nationality without prejudice or forethought.
The Customs Union. Both the EU and Britain are signatories to the UN Accord on the preservation of indigenous customs, and nothing will change in that regard as a result of the Withdrawal Agreement passing into Law. Every Briton will remain free to celebrate Hallowe’en, enter three-legged races, throw wellies, vote when half-pissed, kick Away-team footie fans in the nuts, roll Easter eggs, burn Guy Verhofstadt effigies on Bonfire Night, and skive off work every time it snows.
The Irish Backstop. This is a perfectly straightforward and mutually agreed concept designed to stop the Irish looking back in anger about the 1922 Agreement under which the Irish Republic exited the British Empire in much the same way as we are exiting the European Union: that is to say, not entirely as such. As a result of the Withdrawal Agreement, the border between Ulster and Eire will not be Hard or Soft, but instead all at sea. Rest assured that the British Government will retain full control of the wet bits. The land area will be kicked back down the road as a stop-gap against any uppity Far Hard Brextremists and DUP troublemakers fucking everything up by saying they want to regain imperial fascist control of the dry bits.
European Security. To keep the continent safe from marauding Russian hordes led by bare-faced Vladimir Rasputin riding bareback without a shirt to hide his bare chest, Great Britain will retain full access to all EU military intelligence until 2020. During that time, we will be relieved of the heavy burden of having any say in its validity, or what to do about it beyond sending British troops as a deterrent. After 2020, we will not be given any intelligence at all, and this is likely to result in a saving of some £31.98 plus VAT to the British Exchequer.
Now many people today say you can’t trust politicians, but I’m not a politician – I’m an entirely neutral civil servant, and even though I’ve been avowedly in favour of EU federalism since the age of 19, I do not allow this to sway my actions in any way – I do only what is best for Britain – as does Mrs May in her own limited way, bless her. And what seems right to me is the best thing for you.
So in that spirit of neutrality, I am asking you – yes, you – to bombard your local MPs with mildly threatening emails warning that, unless they vote overwhelmingly for this, the best (and only) deal on offer, there will be a General Election and you will vote for the other lot. Being neutral, I can assure you that they will be every bit as useless as the Party you normally vote for, and so this will not disadvantage you in any way at all.
Thank you, and good night.
Next Week: the Goldman of the Bank of England Mr Mark Karno will give an equally neutral broadcast about how a No Deal Brexit would result in a second Flood, the greatest Satanic inferno the World has ever seen, and a Sterling/Euro exchange rate of 3,507 to 1