It’s satire, but is it really?
Texas Democrat Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said today that he suddenly realizes that a huge campaign war chest makes for “a more Democratic nation.”
This comes on the heels of news that his U.S. Senate campaign raised an astonishing $38.1 million in the past three months — a total of $62 million to date — in an effort to unseat Republican Sen. Ted Cruz, who leads in the latest poll by about nine percent.
“I used to look askance at money in politics,” said O’Rourke, beloved by Democrats for his use of profanity on the stump. “I now realize that having an f***ing sh**load of money means more egalitarianism, more fairness, and thus more Progressive policies for all of the people.”
O’Rourke said the reverse is also true: “The puny, paltry, $12 million raised by the Cruz campaign in the third quarter should be seen for what it is — a failure to buy enough Democracy for all of the people to have some.”
A ‘Beto for Senate’ spokesman clarified that the contributions came from individuals directly to the campaign, not from Political Action Committees, which channel individual donations to candidates.
“We’ve cut out the middle man to pass the savings on to the people,” the unnamed spokesman said. “Beto’s money is pure, direct from the source, cash. That’s the kind that makes the best democracy. It’s organic, free-range, pesticide-free, non-GMO bread. It even smells fresher and cleaner than the filthy lucre that flows like sewage to the Cruz campaign.”
The massive cash haul allows the Democratic candidate and his team almost unlimited travel in private jets until election day.
“The people want to know their future senator personally,” said O’Rourke, “They need someone to believe in. And thanks to my campaign’s unimaginable wealth, they can raise their eyes to the heavens and take comfort in knowing that I’m up there somewhere — fully-reclined, watching out for them.”