by John Ward
The entire world was in meltdown confusion tonight about alleged Russian interference in American elections. While the New York Times claimed that Vladimir Putin had personally held every Democrat voter’s children hostage until they voted GOP, Fox Newsasserted it had “conclusive proof” that the FBI had tried to assassinate Trump by placing an explosive charge in the First Lady’s vagina….which she apparently mistook for Donald’s normal orgasm.
Other sources insisted that the FBI had “strong evidence” that the CIA did very silly things from time to time, while the CIA called the latest FBI allegations about Russian electoral interference “extremely concerning, albeit totally inaccurate”. Both agencies agreed, however, that the election result had not been affected. The Shamble Valley Observer caused a sensation by suggesting that the FBI might be better employed heeding warnings about nutjob teenage masss murderers. Influential magazine Fucked Up Now told its readers that the NSA ran a betting syndicate about how many kids the Miami shooter would kill, and when. The NRA, meanwhile, issued a statement affirming, “Remember folks, it’s not the gun that kills, its the owner”.
____________________________________________________________________________________________In an explosive revelation in the Daily Sketch, it has been revealed that Fidel Corbastro had sexual relations during the 1980s with several very ugly Czech women working for the repressive régime there, some of whom were as young as 71. Dismissing the claim as “shameless and vicious Tory fantasy”, Caudillo-in-waiting Corby told the Socialist Worker, “My relations with the Czech régime have always been entirely above board, on the table, and only ever involved women of a frisky nature”. Labour Diane Abbott confirmed this is an exclusive interview with The Slog, asserting, “He has shown no interest in me for at least twenty years”.
But hacks at the Sketch who did not wish to be quoted for clerical reasons insisted that Corbachov had engaged in serial orgy-for-submarine-blueprint activities for at least 103 years. And influentially obscure Tory MP Sir Geraldine Risotto said, “the waters are very murky”.
UKIP leader Henry Bolton lost his leadership ballot by a narrow 63-37% margin this afternoon, plunging the Party into yet another crisis. Former leader Nigel Barrage (who has been maintaining a discreet distance from events by giving TV interviews and writing newspaper columns) dismissed claims that he would now return in triumph as leader.
“Only a massive donation from Mr Dupert Turdlock, and an assurance from the UKIP NEC that they’ll mind their manners from here on, could ever tempt me back into the fray,” he told Sky News, adding that “I just want my life back”.
Frantic hacks are now scurrying about trying to discover the nature of this life…his German wife having moved out of the marital home in favour of Mr Garage’s French politician mistress – despite constant deNigels that his marriage was in trouble.
Former multinational Brexit referendum loser Nina Schick told BBCNews that “this just goes to prove what I’ve always said about UKIP…..it is a throwback to the 1930s when another lunatic tried to unite everyone behind a mad idea”.
Labour activist Owen Jones once and for all established his radical credentials today by confirming he is from Stockport near Manchester….and not Puolwhilliornleegayvilligeissenit as had previously been assumed.
The Leftist enfant horrible is in fact being extremely modest about his track record. His father was a trade union shop steward, his grandfather was involved with the Communist Party, and his parents met as members of the Trotskyist Militant tendency. He went to Oxford and then worked as a trade-union lobbyist and parliamentary researcher for the left-wing Labour Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell.
So clearly then, a fully paid-up member of the proletarian working class….which he has further demonstrated by becoming a journalist for the Independent, the Guardian and the New Statesman. He’s written several articles attacking the rise of Islamophobia, which he has called a “poison”, praised Hugo Chávez, then President of Venezuela, rejecting claims that he had been a dictator, and is a critic of the government’s Prevent strategy to combat Islamic extremism in schools.
Well done, Owen. I’m the first to acknowledge that your credentials are not in doubt.
by John Ward