The ONLY Guide To The Russ-Ukie War You Will Ever Need

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by Jim Quinn

My attention span is definitely longer than the so-called “24 hour news cycle“.   Nevertheless, going into the 2nd month of the conflict, the postings of many articles has made me weary.

I have read much on the topic so I am damned near an internet expert.   I’ve identified a trend which I considered sharing with you.  The decision to do so was finalized late last night when, while hacking into various government databases,  I stumbled on three Super Top Secret To-Do lists from Putin, Biden, and Zelenski. Upon deep analysis I have concluded that everything you will ever read from this point is but a variation of these Three Memos.  No joke, man.

War Planning  To-Do List from VLADIMIR PUTIN

— 1)  Call Gen. Alexander Dvornikov.  Tell him not to worry about that “Butcher of Syria” crap.

—2)  Remind General Dvornikov that he has three objectives today; 1) find UkieNazis, 2) surround them, 3) kill them.

War Planning  To-Do List from JOE BIDEN

—1)  At 9 AM call whats-his-name from the Dept. of State.  Get list of new names I can call Putin.  Stress that none of the words should be more than two syllables.

—2)  Remind entire staff of our war strategy;  “Dazzle them with bullshit“.

—3)  Offer Ukraine another $10 billion – $100 billion in assistance.

—4) At 9:10 AM put a lid on it, have milk and cookies, take a nap.

War Planning  To-Do List from ZELENSKI

I only have one job …. make as many appearances on television as possible. (Do NOT agree to go on Tucker Carlson!).  Read the following;

“Dear people of (insert country here). Putin ees evil diktator. We kill him before he kill you. Ukraine army much more better fighters than stoopid Russians!  We winning this war! But, we need you help. Please put in my hands all of deez tings:

Humvees, MRAP’s,  FMTV, M35, Ford Rangers, Ford F350, Ford Vans, Toyota Pickups, Armored Security Vehicles, Blackhawk Helicopters, MD530G Scout Attack Choppers, ScanEagle Military Drones, Military Version Cessnas, C-130’s,  A-29 Super Tocano Ground Attack Aircraft. M16, M249 SAWs, M24 Sniper Systems, 50 Calibers, M203 Grenade Launchers, M134 Mini Gun, 20mm Gatling Gun, 113,000 grenades, howitzers, mortars, Encrypted Military Communications Gear, Night Vision Goggles, thermal Scopes and Thermal Mono Googles,   2.75 inch Air to Ground Rockets. ISR reconnaissance Equipment, Laser Aiming Units,  Explosives Ordnance such as  C-4, Semtex, Detonators, Shaped Charges, Thermite, Incendiaries, and AP/API/APIT,   Bombs,   Encrypted Cell Phones and Laptops,  20,150,600 rounds of 7.62mm bullets and 9,000,000 rounds of .50 caliber bullets, Plate Carriers and Body Armor,  Handheld Interagency Identity Detection, Biometrics,  Bull Dozers, Backhoes, Dump Trucks, Excavators,  F-4s,  F-18, B-52.  We also need medical stuff.  Antiseptic wipes, Multiple-size sterile gauze pads, Triangular bandages, Multiple-size adhesive bandages, Cotton balls and swabs, Multiple pairs of non-latex gloves, Three-inch gauze roll bandage, Multiple packets of antibiotic cream, Hydrogen peroxide, Multiple rolls of medical bandages, Compressed dressings, Ten-yard roll of cloth tape, Four-inch roller bandage, Adhesive tape, Duct tape, Medical thermometer, Syringe, Medicine spoon, Face masks, Multiple-size plastic zippered bags, Folding emergency blanket, Breathing barrier for cardiopulmonary resuscitation, Set of tweezers and scissors, Eye pads, Eyewash solution, Tourniquet, Dental mirror, Magnifying glass, Bulb suction device, Multiple-size safety pins, Needle and thread, Medical stapler, Staple remover, Finger splints, Superglue, Petroleum jelly, Sterile saline solution, Multiple instant cold compress, Emergency first aid manual, Hand sanitizer, Large plastic trash bags, Sunscreen, Insect repellent, Waterproof matches, antacids, Antihistamine, Anti-diarrheal medication, Antibiotics, Aspirin, Auto-injector of epinephrine, Anti-burn cream or gel, Calamine lotion, Cold and cough medications, Disinfectant mouthwash, Electrolyte powders, Fiber powder, Lidocaine cream, Multivitamins, Hydrocortisone cream, Pain relievers such as ibuprofen or acetaminophen, Simethicone, 100000 units of blood, Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Zinc,  crystal meth. Twinkies.  A small nuclear bomb if at all possible, and 5 pallets of US currency.

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I will make same request again tomorrow. Thank you and god bless Amerika people!”

BONUS:  MY PREDICTIONS

1)  May 9th, 2022.  Russia wins the war.  May 9th is significant to Russia.  On that date the German military surrendered to the Soviet Union and the Allies. Victory Day (День Победы Den Pobedy) is one of the biggest Russian holidays. 

2)  Ukraine loses at least half of its territory.  The new country will be called “Nozzel”.  (No Zel … get it?).

3)  May 9th, 2027.  Five years later, and despite Ukraine now reduced to just 75 acres on the Moldovan border, CuNNt, MsBS, Fux, and NewsMaxBS continue to report that Ukrainian victory is imminent.

THE END

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