by John Ward
In other Brexit news: designer humiliation hits Parliament, May to sit down and disagree with Jeremy Corbyn, PM’s local vicar in shock investigation, Brexit to cause acute Minister shortage, and Brighton launches Under 5 Trannies for Guy Verhofstadt.
You may have previously imagined that Ben Cooper was a brand of designer shirts, but as of now it is the joint bid by Hilary Benn and Yvette Cooper to pass a Law (not an amendment mind, but a Law) to stop Britain from ever leaving the European Union without a sufficiently humiliating deal. No doubt, under their proposals, there will be a Humiliation Ombudsman in perpetuity. The clear front runner at the moment is John Bercow.
Ms Cooper is, as you know, married to unemployed dancer Ed Balls, and became famous for her ability to believe that 25 year old hoodlums shaving twice a day are children, and must be allowed into Britain. Mr Benn is living proof (alongside Stephen Kinock) that all politicians should be neutered before they can reproduce. He is Chairman of the Select Committee for Exiting the European Union, an odd position from which to launch a bid specifically designed to stop any chance to exit on our terms rather than Angela Merkel’s.
We do, of course, already have a deal designed and dictated by Frau Merkel, and Tory Brexit Minister Stephen Barclay tells us that the Prime Minister came back with a very generous deal offered by unsere geliebte Mutti, but nasty old Parliament and devious old Labour won’t support it because it isn’t hard or soft enough, so now she needs another teensy weensy extension to agree an even softer one and then we’ll be out for sure. But if we aren’t, it’ll be Parliament’s fault. Obviously.
And so – self-evidently – Theresa May has turned to the Leader of devious old Labour in an attempt to break the logjam. Otherwise you see, all the logs will crash out of the river in a disorderly fashion when they reach the waterfall. Jeremy Corbyn (who really wants to leave) will now pretend to the PM that he wants to Remain inside the customs union and most of the human rights legislation, and thus be totally consistent with his position as Labour leader, in that he’ll be lying.
The decision to let Mrs May sup with the Devil followed a seven hour Cabinet marathon, but as one Tory Leaver MP told Sky this morning, “If that was the answer after seven hours, one wonders what the Hell the question was”. It’s hard to disagree with that. It might have been, “Is there any mileage in letting Corbyn make a series of demands, agreeing to them and then blaming the resultant Quicksand Brexit on Labour?”
Meanwhile, the MoD has launched an enquiry into army squaddies using a picture of Corbyn for target practice. You think I’m joking don’t you? The Defence Ministry issued a hilarously clichéd statement saying the incident was ‘totally unacceptable and fell well below the high standards of the British armed forces’.
As a result, the target image has been changed to that of Dominic Grieve. (I made that last bit up).
Heavyweight Sky anchor Adam Blobton continues with his tactic of asking everyone who comes on what they think will happen. It’s only a matter of time before some bloke in overalls answers, “Don’t ask me, squire – I just do the winders ‘ere”. Will Adam, before this long-running Mousetrap ends, sense that perhaps the mysterious Priest we see every Sunday saying goodbye to Mr and Mrs May is in fact none other than Blairite mastermind and serial fantasist Alastair Campbellend, the evil genius behind the campaign to give all eight million EU employees in Brussels a vote in the Second Referendum?
We do not know, we cannot tell. However, in an enervating development this morning, Minister for Wales Nigel Adams resigned. This caused Sly News to go into overdrive by asking, “IS THE GOVERNMENT RUNNING OUT OF MINISTERS?” although a better question would’ve been “Why aren’t more Ministers running out of Government?”, and better than either would be “When did Britain start going completely mad?”
The last of those is hard to pinpoint, but there is very little doubt about where it started: that of course was Bonghead Brighton, where yesterday the Council issued stickers to trans kids who want people to know what to call them.
You have to be particularly mad to pull a stunt like this one, but it does help enormously if you live in Brighton, where the overwhelming majority of inhabitants are either off their faces on skunk or were born genetically tonto.
The best way to illustrate this is to remind you all that nearly 70% of electors in Brighton & Hove voted to Remain in the EU.
That says it all, really.